Style Conversational Week 1217: Nothing new under the pun? It’s almost impossible to find wordplay that nobody’s done, but you can give it a twist At the Invite, we don't want you to send us the cleverest thing you ever heard; we want you to send the funniest thing that YOU can think of. Half a dozen people sent haiku with this pun. (Image from a Google search) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // March 2, 2017 Stop — yourself — if you’ve heard it before. In virtually every Style Invitational contest, it’s inevitable that two or more entrants will come up with the same general idea — not to mention an idea that someone else, somewhere else, has thought of before. It’s no big deal, as long as (a) you didn’t knowingly take it from another source and (b) it’s not already out there everywhere — on a ton of websites, or part of a famous song, movie, etc. I received more than the usual quantity of old jokes and punny phrases in the Week 1213 “punku” contest, whose results run today. I didn’t go back and check who’d sent all the “no pun in ten did” haiku, or “whirled peas,” etc. I’m going to assume that those entrants were new to the Loser Community, and didn’t realize that we want original material. I see now that the Week 1213 instructions did not explicitly ask entrants not to send old jokes, or to check how widespread their puns were (though there’s a paragraph headed “Your joke has to be original” in the Rules & Guidelines linked to in the instructions). I think it’s very, very rare that people try to sneak in someone else’s work under their own names (though I know of at least two cases in which this has happened with winning Invite entries). There /are / occasions where you can recycle an old joke or saying; for example, Gene Weingarten regularly publishes what he calls “pokes” — jokes written as rhyming poems — in his weekly humor column for The Post (here’s his latest ). But the wit is in the adaptation from the old joke into a form of multiple verses with strict rhyme and meter; figuring out how to break a clever epigram into 17 syllables isn’t quite the same accomplishment. Regardless of form, here are some wordplays that I encountered this week that you can stop sending in; they’ve been done either by us or by everyone else: Putin in/on the Ritz Crimea River Playing the Trump card (though First Offender Mark Pomponi did niftily play on Trump plus “suit,” referencing Sean Spicer’s sartorial difficulties) Purrfect for something with a cat (or purr- anything, or probably paws- anything) Cunning linguist (sheesh) Any joke about “hot air” for politicians As a start. But whether it’s from originality or just that topical humor seems to be prompting more creativity lately, both I and my predecessor, theCzar of The Style Invitational (who read my short­list of about 50 punku), found ourselves preferring the Trumpiverse. In this week’s results I mixed the political and non-, but on reflection, maybe I should have divided the results into two sections. I have no fears about the freshness of this week’s “above-the-fold” winners, all of them featuring especially clever wordplay. And while none is a First Offender, only Jesse Frankovich — who hits Ink Blot No. 100 today in just the past year! — has been a regular fixture in the Losers’ Circle. Seth Tucker’s “grabbed by the passe” plus two honorable mentions this week boings his ink total from 22 to 25; Dave Silberstein’s “fel-i-ne,” about the recent escape of a bobcat from D.C.’s National Zoo, is his 16th ink — but already his fourth above the fold, an amazing ratio; and Bruce Niedt’s “in-Coretta-ble” is Ink No. 12, and equally impressive third ATF. I think all four of these punku will be perfect for the Style Invitational Ink of the Day cards I post on Facebook. Jesse benefited this week from the order of the entries: His “-acre” pun was so offbeat that it would have confused the reader if it had been the first punku I printed. Now that we’re back to counting down to the winner via the third, second and first runners-up, the reader has already read three haiku and will be much more receptive to something as novel as Jesse’s. *What Doug Dug: * The fave this week of ace copy editor Doug Norwood was Seth Tuckers “grabbed by the passe”; he also gave props to Chris Doyle’s NRA prayer “Blessed are the piecemakers” and Kevin Mettinger’s “mispronounced ‘prez.’ ” *Punny for Nothing*: What didn’t work * (*a non-inking honorable-mention subhead suggested by both Jesse Frankovich and Jon Gearhart) Aside from too well known puns and jokes, a few more ink-obstacles: A. When you make a pun on a phrase, that phrase has to be common in English, or a well-known expression; otherwise readers won’t get the pun, especially if the pronunciation is a stretch. For example: Stooges in Texas Nyuk! Nyuk! Hey! Santa Anna Eye poke: Alamo Fortunately the entrant explained that “Alamo” was to be read “a la Moe.” I would never have thought of that because “a la Moe” isn’t a phrase that’s ever used. If, on the other hand, there were something about apple pie with ice cream in Texas, it might work to have “Alamo” to play on “a la mode.” B. This one was a laffer but didn’t work because of the pronunciation: Trump loves “Clair de Lune”; But the maestro warned Donald: Do not grab Debussy. The name is, roughly, DEB-u-SEE, not de-BOO-see. C. I wasn’t terribly strict on my definition of pun — I let it encompass words used in different ways as well as plays on pronunciation — but this funny one still couldn’t qualify: New AP style rule: Third and fourth letters are now Silent in POTUS. D. A pun doesn’t really do the trick if the pun word — the one you’re using to replace the word in the common phrase — doesn’t work literally in the resulting sentence. That problem was most notable this week in this punku: Betsy Pay-to-Play Married to education? We want a Devos! Even with the lowercase V, you’re still saying you want DeVos, when the point of the haiku was that you want no such thing. *DRECK OF ALL TRADES*: THIS WEEK’S BUSINESS ‘MERGER’ CONTEST * /(The original headline from Week 641)/ Longtime Loser Doug Frank messaged me recently to note a discussion on the Style Invitational Devotees Facebook page about various businesses and suggested that it would work for a contest. I thought that particular formulation wouldn’t work as well as our Week 641 contest, and shared the results of that December 2005 challenge with him. Oh, right, Doug said; that was one of his first contests — and whoa, he got three blots of ink in it. Shouldn’t we do /that / one again? I clearly remember judging this contest — and despairing at the utter lameness of page after page of entries. It may be Exhibit A of my perennial reminder to myself: It’s Just the Wheat That Matters, Not the Chaff. I might have thrown away 98 percent of that week’s many, many entries (we had no limits then) in disgust, but the few dozen that remained were terrific. Here they are — the results ran in January 2006 — and I think they’ll give you all the guidance you need for Week 1217 . And I am beyond delighted that the majority of those Losers from 11 years ago are still regularly blotting up the ink today. *Report From Week 641, * In which the Empress asked for the names of fictional establishments that offered two or more diverse products or services. Warning: This is one of those Look Out, Groaner Puns Below weeks. If you don’t like groaner puns, please turn to the obituary page, where there shouldn’t be more than two or three of them. Several people sent in examples of actual multi-tasking establishments: Bill Moulden of Frederick told of a paint store in West Virginia that also sold religious books called, he swears on a stack of religious books, Spray & Pray. And Chuck Sims of Chevy Chase sent in a photo of a store in Bethesda whose sign declares: “Welcome to US Center: Hair — Nails — Gifts — Mortgages.” (Special bonus contest: Tell us the best name or slogan for that store. Winner gets a Loser Pen and some wax lips.) [They went to then-newbie Loser Kevin Dopart, who offered two good ideas: the perfectly fitting but arcane Maslow’s Hierarchy Center and the, uh, higher-concept Mistresses R Us.] *4. * Petting zoo and bellsmith: A Ram, a Lamb, a Ding-Dong (Elliott Schiff, Allentown, Pa.) *3.* Secondhand clothes and S&M paraphernalia: Schmattes/A Whip (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.) *2.* Donuts and Jacuzzis: Beignet and the Jets (Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, Md.) *1.* And the winner of the Inker: Cooking institute and journalism school: Baste On! A True Story (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles) *Honorable Mentions: * A frozen-treat and mascara booth: Custards/Lash Stand (Russell Beland, Springfield, Va.) Anger management counselors and fertility clinic: Ovary Action: for holding your patience when your in-laws keep asking for grandchildren. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) Optician/cleaners/shoe store: See, Spot, Run (Jennifer Lynch, Waco, Tex.) Fireplace accessories/VD clinic: The Burning Sensation (Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.) Doors at a delousing center/oyster farm: Nit: 1; Pearl: 2 (Chris Doyle) Optometry and psychiatry clinic: Out of Sight, Out of Mind (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.) Yoga and Bible study classes: Stretch/The Truth (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City, Md.) Lawyer and jeweler: The Pre-Trial Earring (Brendan Beary) A Firestone dealer that also sells birthday candles: Just Blowouts (Russell Beland) Army recruitment office/hair salon: Cut the Mustered (Jane Auerbach) Laundromat that also sells exercise equipment, marital aids and acne cream: Washing/Tone/Wed/Skins (John O’Byrne, Dublin) Bathroom fixtures, upper level; shoe outlet downstairs: Heads Over Heels (Kevin Dopart, Washington) Art supply store and police station: Brushes With the Law: Sure, buddy, everybody complains how they were framed. (Brendan Beary) Singles bar and doughnut shop: A Toroid Affair (Douglas Frank, Crosby, Tex.) Bar/hair salon: Quaff and Coif. (Andrea Balinson, New York) French ad agency/lingerie shop: L’Ads and l’Asses (Greg Arnold, Herndon, Va.) A bordello that sells philosophy books and natural medicines: Kant/Herbery/Tails (Art Grinath, Takoma Park) Boating equipment and bath wear: Where the Rudder Meets the Robe (Chris Doyle) Concert hall and latte bar: Bach and Froth (Michelle Stupak) Southern Baptist church and Longaberger store: Hell & a Handbasket (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.) Florist and wireless phone service: Stem Cells (Brenda Ware Jones, Jackson, Miss.) A store that sells Harry Potter and Simpsons stuff: Rowling & D’oh (Russell Beland) Trash hauler and collection agency: Bin There, Dun That (Brendan Beary) Karate classes and footwear sales: Chop Shoey (Tim Tweddell, Berkeley Springs, W.Va.) An international emporium consisting of an Indian dress shop, Japanese theater and French hairstylist: Sari, Noh, Cannes Do. (Chris Doyle) Fishing tackle and S&M equipment: Ye Olde Bait & Switch Co. (Gail Mackiernan, Silver Spring; Lynn White, McLean, Va.) Rental agency/Chinese restaurant: Condo Lease or Rice (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis) Chiropractor/aviation instruction: Straighten Up & Fly Right (Douglas Frank) Internet cafe/gentlemen’s club: Laptops Inc. (Herb Greene, Catonsville, Md.) A turkey farm and auto-detailing service: Gobble/Degook (Chris Doyle) BBQ stand and clock store: The Pit and the Pendulum (Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick, Md.) Laundry/Jamaican restaurant: Clean and Jerk (Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.) CDs, diarrhea remedies and sex toys: Hits, Runs and Eros (Jack Held, Fairfax, Va.) Religious articles and costumes: Blessings and Disguise (Kevin Dopart) Obstetrician/bakery: Buns in the Oven (Marcy Alvo, Annandale, Va.) Bread, Bass and Beyond: Serving loaves, fishes and a prayer with every food order. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.) Massage therapist and urologist: Touch and Go (Michelle Stupak) Bookkeeper and roofer: Add ‘Em and Eave (Chris Doyle) Chiropractor and corner bar: The Spinal Tap: One way or another, you’ll be feeling no pain. (Brendan Beary) Pet groomer and barbershop: Cat/Man Do (Katherine Hooper, Jacksonville, Fla.) Gym and menstrual supply store: Ab and Flow (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) Flophouse with a CD writer: Crash and Burn (Russell Beland) An art gallery that offers classes in smoking control and yoga: Stop, Look and Lissome (Douglas Frank) Anesthesiology supplies and canoe rentals: Ether/Oar (Chris Doyle) Farmers’ retirement home with a dental clinic: Ex-Tractors (Roy Ashley)